Just as I had to dedicate a little piece to my leaving Bellingham for Camden, so I have to dedicate a little piece to my exit from JVC and the journey home. Here is a short series about the past couple of weeks and the events that came to pass.
My exit from Camden felt like a long fall from a cliff into deep water; that is, once my time there began to wind down (roughly around the time I packed up most of my belongings and shipped them home), it felt like I was slowly moving toward an end that took forever to come.
The goodbying began over two weeks before we were to actually leave town. This is because because there are so many people involved with the JVs who wanted to take us to dinner or something for a proper goodbye. To allow myself a moment of perfect honesty, by the end of those two weeks it was getting kind of hard to access any real emotion about leaving. In the first place, very many of the people who wanted to tell us goodbye were people that I didn’t know very well; I felt like I was getting to know them for the first time at my own goodbye party. Being fully present at those sorts of events was exhausting for me—I felt like I was trying to feign a lot of enthusiasm that I just didn’t have in me. This was hard for me to come to accept, because when I left a year ago I felt as though I was bleeding love and sadness, longing for a place I could return to and a time that I couldn’t return to. While intense, it was also great. I felt alive and in love with my family and friends.
Don’t take this to mean I wasn’t sad to leave; I certainly had to sort through a lot of emotional laundry about it all. But, while I can be quite sociable and enthusiastic at times, the fact is that I needed a lot of private, quiet time to process things that I just wasn’t getting. The end result was my feeling more or less numb about many things, when I should have felt some deeper feeling of warm sadness or bittersweetness. All the feeling within me for the bigger moments dried up as I tried to be present at events that didn’t mean as much to me. One can only have so many emotional evenings in a row before she shuts down. It was self-preservation.
There are two notable exceptions to feeling this way: my last day at Northgate, and the last time I saw my cousin, Nick.
On my final day at Northgate, I spent the bulk of the morning preparing cards and notes for my coworkers and some of the tenants (there are over four hundred tenants, total, so don’t think too lowly of me that I only wrote to a few!). Irma, the entire social services office, the management office, and the maintenance workers all threw me a little goodbye party. In a cute nod to my habitual grammar policing, they intentionally misspelled the writing on my cake. (Back story: every single cake we ever ordered for a social services or staff event has had a misspelled word—not because the baker messed up, but because whoever had ordered the cake had misspelled it on the form. I only ever pointed it out one time, but since then everyone derived a perverse joy from watching me read the misspelled cake and bite my tongue.) The cake read, “Fairwell, Molly!” Smart-asses…
It was very sweet of everyone to stop everything to see me off. I will be the first one to tell you that in that building, nothing ever stops moving. There is always an emergency to take care of, whether it’s a maintenance problem or a tenant’s physical or emotional health gives out, and the few of us on staff are constantly on the move, putting out fires as fast as we can. So a little cake, a little song, and a little prayer meant the world to me on my last day in the most intense environment I have ever worked in.
After I’d gone door-to-door in the apartment building to tell a few of my favorite tenants goodbye (word got around—it took me a good hour and plenty of running up and down stairs to get out of there. So many people wanted me to stop by, and because I have fewer mobility issues than most of the tenants, it was easier to just pass the word along that I should stop by!), turned in my keys, and hugged the social services ladies goodbye, I walked out of the building for the last time. I headed straight for the subway to Philadelphia to meet up with Nick.
For those of you who don’t know, Nick is my cousin. He served in JVC from 2000 to 2002, first in Camden, then in Brooklyn. (He lived in Brooklyn on September 11th, 2001. He was unharmed, but my whole family was terrified until we got a phone call from him.) Nick is also the reason I became a JV. He planted that seed in my heart when I was fourteen. Yes, many people and experiences watered that seed between then and the day I applied to the program, but he was the initial reason I wanted to serve with the Jesuits. It was great to live so close to him this year, especially because he has lived on the East Coast since his JVC service began.
Nick and I hung out in a bar for a few hours that Friday and just talked about my volunteer year. We talked about the best and worst moments, what I will miss, what I couldn’t wait to leave behind, how our volunteer service shaped us. Just before I left, Nick gave me a little post-JV-year pep talk. I swear, I would have given a whole year of service all over again, bearing every single burden I had to bear, just to hear that pep talk. It meant the world to me.
Because the truth is, (allowing myself another moment of honesty and vulnerability) this past year was unimaginably hard for me. I faced incredible difficulties in all facets of my life there—my work, my community, my city—and I confess, I have never felt so uncomfortable with myself or my surroundings in my life. Worse, as my entire life in Camden was defined in terms of either my community or my work, I had no outlet for my feelings. I missed home far more than I anticipated I would—even in late July, I would tear up from homesickness. I was fairly traumatized and hugely saddened by my work, and I never really felt as though I could discuss those feelings at home. In terms of close friendships and relationships, in the worst moments I felt that I had lost far more than I gained. Often I felt there was no one to talk to who made me feel understood, appreciated or loved. Although these feelings prove that I need to spend much more time on the Litany of Humility, the fact is that it is very hard to function emotionally and spiritually without feeling understood or appreciated. (In fairness to everyone in Camden, I always knew, even if I didn’t feel, that I was loved.)
So to hear such a sweet compliment from a family member, one that I have looked up to for as long as I can remember, and the only person in our family who can truly appreciate what I’ve been through (because we both went through it!), it validated and healed so much of what I was struggling with. It was the most understood I’ve felt in a long time.
The following day, I left Camden for the last time. All of my community members were returning to the house after Dis-Orientation except for myself, so I was the only one leaving for good. (On the way out of the city, I happily narrated a la Good Night, Moon: “Goodnight, row house!” “Good night, corner store!” “Good night, crackheads on the corner!” “Good night, Ben Franklin Bridge!”)
We drove south to Pine Grove Furnace State Park in Pennsylvania (where the hike was to begin), about 30 miles north of the Maryland border (where the hike was to end). We attended Mass as a group, drove to the campsite, pitched our tents, and crawled in for the night. The Hike to Dis-O would begin in the morning.
Showing posts with label the future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the future. Show all posts
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Right, so... this is what happened in January...
I really should update y’all on my life this month—I just can’t think of anything significant enough that it would be interesting to read that can also be posted on a public blog… some private stuff, etc. You know how it is.
Ok. Umm… I returned to work on January 4th after a nice (albeit short!) week at home with family and friends. Among my favorite days were a shopping trip in Seattle with my mom and sister, a gorgeous performance of The Nutcracker with said mom and sister (AND I ran into my old music teacher, who was there with his daughter!), a surprise visit to Bremerton to visit Andrew, Lindsey, and the babe (whose laugh is so intoxicating that I physically can’t keep from giggling when I hear it), a New Year’s Eve party (where I found many old friends and caught up with them… Neil, Jacob, Casey, Matt, Nicole, Lilly… I miss all of you!) and several quiet, one-on-one days with a few dear friends.
Work has been pretty stressful since I’ve been back. One of my cases was supposed to be resolved the Wednesday before last, and I was excited because it was the culmination of three months of hard work on my part. The client desperately needed a doctor’s appointment that she was finally going to have that afternoon. I stood with her and waited for her medical transportation to arrive. And we waited. And waited. And then… we waited some more. Long story short, it turned out that her medical transportation request was never sent. I was unbelievably frustrated—the rest of this woman’s life hinged upon this doctor’s appointment, and something as trivial as a clerical error kept it from happening. We were back at square one, and she’s been declining since I got her case in October.
The rest of the week didn’t seem to get better, and I found myself looking forward to Friday, which was the day I was going to take the GRE. (How stressed out do you have to be to look forward to a standardized test?) I took a personal day, drove to Philadelphia, and took the exam. I scored right around the middle of the bell curve, and I’m still waiting on the Analytical Writing score. I felt really good about the writing section, but only time will tell.
I had realized a few days before I took the test that I really had no idea as to what master’s program I wanted to enter, so I decided to hold off on applying anywhere for a while. I have some ideas now, but I don’t want to rush into anything and I do want to take a little bit of time to clear my head and plan carefully.
The following week was a short one for us JVs because we took off for Dalton, PA for Re-Orientation. It was only the second retreat where all of JVC East was present—the ninety of us won’t see each other again until Dis-Orientation in (gulp) August! We stayed in a seminary (although right now it functions as a retreat center because there aren’t enough vocations to fill the giant building) for the week, and I must say that I really appreciate the appeal of being a seminarian! I had my own little room with a desk and a rocking chair, which is really all I need. I never quite realize what the privacy of one’s own room feels like. The Fatima Center staff fed us very well, and (my favorite part) there was a Eucharistic chapel just down the hall from my room. If I had had the privilege of attending theology classes all day (I did, actually, but they weren’t necessarily comprehensive about our faith), it would have been a week in the life of a seminarian. Since I can’t do that, maybe I’ll go get a theology degree…
I think that our community as a whole found a lot of growth, both personal and communal, this past week. It wasn’t always pleasant, but it was a growing experience. After we had a talk at dinner on Monday, it felt like we’d knocked down a wall that had kept us from communicating fully. So I guess it was a big help. As it was, I called a few friends back home for support, all of which helped me somewhat.
On a semi-related note, our community was also in charge of planning Mass on retreat. Among other things, we planned the music—which is always my department. I must say, we have talented musicians in JVC East! Being the de facto director, I got a lot of compliments (which I tried hard to spread to the rest of the choir/band) on the music. People were pretty moved, and I was happy with it.
Now that I’m back at work, life didn’t wait for me to get back into the swing of things gradually. By 2pm on Tuesday (my first day back) I had to help break up a brawl in the lobby! Two women in their fifties were fighting over a boyfriend (I think—there was a lot of R-rated Spanish getting thrown around, but I caught most of what they were yelling at each other). The guards pulled off the aggressor, and I pulled away the one that was clearly losing the fight (she didn’t really fight me back, thankfully). Is it bad that I’m not shocked at any of this anymore?
So, now you’re caught up! Hopefully I won’t leave everyone hanging for a month again for a while.
Ok. Umm… I returned to work on January 4th after a nice (albeit short!) week at home with family and friends. Among my favorite days were a shopping trip in Seattle with my mom and sister, a gorgeous performance of The Nutcracker with said mom and sister (AND I ran into my old music teacher, who was there with his daughter!), a surprise visit to Bremerton to visit Andrew, Lindsey, and the babe (whose laugh is so intoxicating that I physically can’t keep from giggling when I hear it), a New Year’s Eve party (where I found many old friends and caught up with them… Neil, Jacob, Casey, Matt, Nicole, Lilly… I miss all of you!) and several quiet, one-on-one days with a few dear friends.
Work has been pretty stressful since I’ve been back. One of my cases was supposed to be resolved the Wednesday before last, and I was excited because it was the culmination of three months of hard work on my part. The client desperately needed a doctor’s appointment that she was finally going to have that afternoon. I stood with her and waited for her medical transportation to arrive. And we waited. And waited. And then… we waited some more. Long story short, it turned out that her medical transportation request was never sent. I was unbelievably frustrated—the rest of this woman’s life hinged upon this doctor’s appointment, and something as trivial as a clerical error kept it from happening. We were back at square one, and she’s been declining since I got her case in October.
The rest of the week didn’t seem to get better, and I found myself looking forward to Friday, which was the day I was going to take the GRE. (How stressed out do you have to be to look forward to a standardized test?) I took a personal day, drove to Philadelphia, and took the exam. I scored right around the middle of the bell curve, and I’m still waiting on the Analytical Writing score. I felt really good about the writing section, but only time will tell.
I had realized a few days before I took the test that I really had no idea as to what master’s program I wanted to enter, so I decided to hold off on applying anywhere for a while. I have some ideas now, but I don’t want to rush into anything and I do want to take a little bit of time to clear my head and plan carefully.
The following week was a short one for us JVs because we took off for Dalton, PA for Re-Orientation. It was only the second retreat where all of JVC East was present—the ninety of us won’t see each other again until Dis-Orientation in (gulp) August! We stayed in a seminary (although right now it functions as a retreat center because there aren’t enough vocations to fill the giant building) for the week, and I must say that I really appreciate the appeal of being a seminarian! I had my own little room with a desk and a rocking chair, which is really all I need. I never quite realize what the privacy of one’s own room feels like. The Fatima Center staff fed us very well, and (my favorite part) there was a Eucharistic chapel just down the hall from my room. If I had had the privilege of attending theology classes all day (I did, actually, but they weren’t necessarily comprehensive about our faith), it would have been a week in the life of a seminarian. Since I can’t do that, maybe I’ll go get a theology degree…
I think that our community as a whole found a lot of growth, both personal and communal, this past week. It wasn’t always pleasant, but it was a growing experience. After we had a talk at dinner on Monday, it felt like we’d knocked down a wall that had kept us from communicating fully. So I guess it was a big help. As it was, I called a few friends back home for support, all of which helped me somewhat.
On a semi-related note, our community was also in charge of planning Mass on retreat. Among other things, we planned the music—which is always my department. I must say, we have talented musicians in JVC East! Being the de facto director, I got a lot of compliments (which I tried hard to spread to the rest of the choir/band) on the music. People were pretty moved, and I was happy with it.
Now that I’m back at work, life didn’t wait for me to get back into the swing of things gradually. By 2pm on Tuesday (my first day back) I had to help break up a brawl in the lobby! Two women in their fifties were fighting over a boyfriend (I think—there was a lot of R-rated Spanish getting thrown around, but I caught most of what they were yelling at each other). The guards pulled off the aggressor, and I pulled away the one that was clearly losing the fight (she didn’t really fight me back, thankfully). Is it bad that I’m not shocked at any of this anymore?
So, now you’re caught up! Hopefully I won’t leave everyone hanging for a month again for a while.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Live from the Cherry Hill Barnes and Noble
Good morning, blogosphere! This is Molly Downes reporting from the nearest Wi-Fi hotspot she could find.
I don't normally take the car to go out for the day-- I feel like it's a cop out to leave Camden on the weekends. But today, I needed to take a significant amount of time to study for the GRE, and there are just too many distractions at home. Right now, we have six guests on top of the six of us who live there! Ah, the life of a JV. Every other JV in the east region (from Portland, Maine to Raleigh, North Carolina) is assured a place to stay when they travel. Hence, a whole community from Bridgeport is currently crashing in our living rom. And I know I'd love to stay and hang out with them all, but I need to get ready for this test!
Tonight is the annual JVC East Christmas party, hosted by the Philadelphia community. The party's called "Philly's Navidad." See the video for info... (I promise, it's cute.)
So, I'm holed up here until around 4 or 5pm, studying. I need to shower and get dressed for the party so that we can go to Mass first (The party begins with Mass. This life is cool). Then we'll see all of our JV friends before we all part for Christmas.
Speaking of which, I'll be home in about twelve days! Can't wait! Love to you all!
M
I don't normally take the car to go out for the day-- I feel like it's a cop out to leave Camden on the weekends. But today, I needed to take a significant amount of time to study for the GRE, and there are just too many distractions at home. Right now, we have six guests on top of the six of us who live there! Ah, the life of a JV. Every other JV in the east region (from Portland, Maine to Raleigh, North Carolina) is assured a place to stay when they travel. Hence, a whole community from Bridgeport is currently crashing in our living rom. And I know I'd love to stay and hang out with them all, but I need to get ready for this test!
Tonight is the annual JVC East Christmas party, hosted by the Philadelphia community. The party's called "Philly's Navidad." See the video for info... (I promise, it's cute.)
So, I'm holed up here until around 4 or 5pm, studying. I need to shower and get dressed for the party so that we can go to Mass first (The party begins with Mass. This life is cool). Then we'll see all of our JV friends before we all part for Christmas.
Speaking of which, I'll be home in about twelve days! Can't wait! Love to you all!
M
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I'm moving to New Jersey!
All right, all right. Time for full disclosure. Everyone, I have good news!
I hesitated to make this public knowledge until I knew everything would work out, but now everything seems to be in order.
The last time that anyone asked about my post graduation plans, I had to tell them the whole diatribe: the week before graduation both my plans for next year (the Jesuit Volunteer Corps, for those who didn’t know) and the back-up plan in case JVC didn’t work out (my old road crew job) appeared to have fallen through. As of graduation day, I had no plans regarding the rest of my life. I told everyone I’d keep them posted if any new developments came up, though I admit I was depressed enough about the whole situation not to hold out a lot of hope for myself.
Then, a few days after graduation—which I spent mostly in my PJs, looking for jobs and feeling sorry for myself—JVC contacted me with a match.
They sent my application to a housing development in Camden, New Jersey that is in need of a social services program coordinator assistant. I interviewed for the assignment this past Monday, was offered the job on Wednesday, and accepted later in the day. It all happened very quickly.
All of this by way of telling you that I am moving to New Jersey in six(ish) weeks!
I am very excited (with an appropriate amount of “nervous” mixed in) to begin on this new chapter of my life! I prayed a lot over where I would go and what I would do with this coming year, and was very careful about what I asked God for (after all, He might actually give it to me). I finally settled on asking, “Lord, I’ll leave the details to you. Just send me on an adventure to do your will, and I’ll do my best.”
So this is it—my new adventure. I'll keep everyone up to date as the process continues, and I'll certainly keep up with email, snail mail, and my blog throughout the coming year.
I hesitated to make this public knowledge until I knew everything would work out, but now everything seems to be in order.
The last time that anyone asked about my post graduation plans, I had to tell them the whole diatribe: the week before graduation both my plans for next year (the Jesuit Volunteer Corps, for those who didn’t know) and the back-up plan in case JVC didn’t work out (my old road crew job) appeared to have fallen through. As of graduation day, I had no plans regarding the rest of my life. I told everyone I’d keep them posted if any new developments came up, though I admit I was depressed enough about the whole situation not to hold out a lot of hope for myself.
Then, a few days after graduation—which I spent mostly in my PJs, looking for jobs and feeling sorry for myself—JVC contacted me with a match.
They sent my application to a housing development in Camden, New Jersey that is in need of a social services program coordinator assistant. I interviewed for the assignment this past Monday, was offered the job on Wednesday, and accepted later in the day. It all happened very quickly.
All of this by way of telling you that I am moving to New Jersey in six(ish) weeks!
I am very excited (with an appropriate amount of “nervous” mixed in) to begin on this new chapter of my life! I prayed a lot over where I would go and what I would do with this coming year, and was very careful about what I asked God for (after all, He might actually give it to me). I finally settled on asking, “Lord, I’ll leave the details to you. Just send me on an adventure to do your will, and I’ll do my best.”
So this is it—my new adventure. I'll keep everyone up to date as the process continues, and I'll certainly keep up with email, snail mail, and my blog throughout the coming year.
Monday, June 15, 2009
I've been tagged!
By Lauren. :)
8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:
8 Things I Did Yesterday:
8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:
- Figuring out what I'm going to do with my life past September.
- Spending the summer in B'ham hanging out, working out, and reading pretentious novels.
- Dating someone new if/when I get to a new location. :P
- Watching all the babies that my family and friends are having grow.
- Seeing the Mariners have a winning season.
- Getting a car.
- Getting my own place.
- Having a job to subsidize both.
8 Things I Did Yesterday:
- Woke up early to cantor at Mass.
- Had coffee and pastries with Marie and Claire.
- Celebrated Andrew's birthday with brunch at Arlis's.
- Took two naps.
- Went to Mill Creek to celebrate my aunt's graduation from UW, and meet Baby Dagny!
- Stopped on the side of the freeway to pickup my cousin Matt because his car broke down.
- Began a knitting project while watching death note with Marc,
- Watched the last 30 minutes of Once Upon a Time in Mexico with the troops at the Siena House before bed.
- Play piano and guitar.
- Go to Rome for an extended period of time.
- Sew my own clothes.
- Have the resources to cook more often and get better at it.
- Run a couple miles without it being a big deal for me.
- Write a really awesome novel.
- Find the person I'm supposed to marry and tell him I love him.
- Pushing Daisies
- Scrubs
- Friends
- Law and Order
- Death Note (Thanks, Marc...)
- --
- --
- --
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Keep praying, but...
I got into JVC!
Now, they still have to find me a placement, and there's actually not a guarantee that I'll get one. BUT, I've been accepted into the program.
Hallelujah.
Now, they still have to find me a placement, and there's actually not a guarantee that I'll get one. BUT, I've been accepted into the program.
Hallelujah.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Sunday, May 18, 2008
On the cusp...
Ever feel like you're SO CLOSE to something, so close you can smell it, feel it, taste it, but not quite touch it yet?
That's what I'm feeling... more later, provided I'm on the right track...
That's what I'm feeling... more later, provided I'm on the right track...
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